Singles

Do you sometimes feel overwhelmed and want to hide from your loved ones? Are you finding yourself even starting arguments, having an accident, or becoming ill so that you can have some time alone? Wouldn’t it be wonderful to have a constructive way to have that need met?

As a Marriage, Family Therapist, I have heard the cry for alone time from many clients. Especially in these busy times, it is very important to have a way to satisfy that need, and not at the expense of others or your body.

For example, Dean and Kathy, who were in my office for marriage counseling, were complaining to me about their frequent yelling bouts. When I asked them the time of the day that most of their arguments occurred, they replied, “We have a fight practically every evening when Dean comes home from work.”

In their common scenario, Dean would arrive home around 6:30 pm., after what he described as a stressful day at the office and on the road in rush hour traffic. Kathy would greet him at the door, stressed from a full day of looking after their two active young children, and their dog and cat.

Fiasco is a good way to describe what happens when two stressful people meet with different pressing needs. Dean, exhausted and drained, desires time alone to decompress from the pressures of his day. Kathy also burned out by that time of the day from the many demands from her family, wants Dean to help her with the children. She is also desperately wanting to speak to an adult, but she is frustrated because Dean is not listening.

To help them resolve their problem, I suggested to Kathy that she take at least twenty minutes for herself before Dean comes home. Then she would be better able to be relaxed and undemanding at that crucial time.

Then I told Dean that it would be a good idea for him to briefly greet his family and then to spend at least twenty minutes alone to regain his composure. Dean loved the idea and decided to hide in the bedroom, to change his clothes and to stretch out on his bed while listening to soothing music.

Both Kathy and Dean were able to hear how each other felt during the twilight hours. With understanding and compassion, they were ready to solve their problem. By the end of the counseling session, Kathy and Dean were both feeling acknowledged and satisfied with the plan.

When the couple returned the following week they were very excited with the results. Kathy and Dean realized that they mistakenly believed that the other person did not care about them. Now they accepted the truth that they deeply cared about each other and just needed some space.

The loving couple were experiencing smooth transitions during what was previously a “witching hour.” Dean was able to switch gears and be the loving father and husband he wanted to be. Kathy succeeded in shifting into becoming the patient, loving wife she truly was.

Dean and Kathy also followed my suggestion of putting a sign on the closed bedroom doorknob that said, “I Love You and I Need Space.” They agreed to display that clearly communicating sign whenever they felt the need to be alone in order to relax and re-group. The children also had their signs ready when they needed them.

The couple succeeded in solving the rest of their problems. They reported fewer arguments, accidents, and illness. The family, including the dog and the cat, were much more harmonious.

No matter what age you are, it is a wonderful gift to yourself and others to explain what you need so that you can be supported. To make sure that they get the clear message, post your sign, “I Love You and I Need Space.”

There’s nothing more upsetting than finding out that your spouse if cheating on you. You feel upset and saddened, angry and confused. But above all, many people feel like they were deceived and that they could have done something to save their relationship if they had realized what was going on. Here are twelve things that you can be on the lookout for.

#1 Change in schedule

Of course, everyone’s schedule changes from time to time, but if your spouse’s schedule changes dramatically for no reason at all – aside from ‘needing to work longer hours’ – you might want to be a little suspicious. It can mean that they are going more than just work when they’re not with you.

#2 Change in grooming habits

Many spouses would brush off the fact that they spouse changes the way that they groom themselves for the idea that they just wanted to look better for their partner. However, when your spouse radically changes the way that he or she smells, shaves, etc., you might be seeing a sign of their trying to impress someone else.

#3 Change in exercise habits

A spouse that suddenly takes up a rigorous exercise program isn’t necessarily having an affair, but it can be a sign that they are trying to impress someone – especially when they haven’t talked to you about their plans previously. They might be going to the gym a lot more often or starting to workout out alone at home for longer periods than before.

# 4 Change in eating habits

If your spouse is suddenly eating things that they hadn’t before, this might be a sign that they are seeing someone else with these eating habits. When combined with a more rigorous exercise program, the person might be trying to slim down or tone up for a more sexy body for their lover.

#5 Change in sleeping habits

A person who is lying tends to not be able to sleep as well as they had before. While you might be able to explain this off with stress as well, combined with other signs of an affair, the restlessness of your partner might be the sign of a guilty conscience.

#6 Over-appreciation for you

A partner that suddenly thanks you for everything or starts to bring you gifts and other tokens of affection – when they haven’t done so in the past – can be the sign of a guilty conscience trying to relieve itself. What makes this different than a loving spouse is the focus that makes a cheating spouse feel better rather than showing love for the recipient.

#7 Change in sex life

You might find that your sex life changes dramatically when your spouse is cheating. They might be trying new things in bed suddenly or have no interest in having sex at all. In either case, changes in the bedroom can mean that there have been changes in your relationship that you will want to address.

#8 Increased cleanliness

While a change in grooming habits is one thing, the need to be clean all of the time might be a sign that your partner is having an affair. It’s two pronged: one, the cleaning can help to cleanse the guilt from the person in a figurative sense, while two, the showering can help to clean away any proof of the affair.

#9 Late night phone calls

Any phone calls that your spouse might take in the middle of the night or at strange times of the day can be an indication that they are hiding a relationship from you. If asked, the spouse should be able to give you a clear reason for the calls – though most jobs and most people aren’t going to call in the middle of the night unless it’s a dire emergency.

#10 More seclusion time

When your spouse begins to pull away from you and spend more time on the computer or in another part of the house, you might be seeing the signs of an affair. They might be chatting to their lover on the Internet or just trying to remove themselves from your guilt-ridden presence.

#11 Unexplained purchases

There are some spouses that will not cover their tracks as well and may leave gifts they received around the house, or receipts for gifts that they bought for their lover around the house. These can both be indications of an affair when your spouse is not willing to explain them to your satisfaction.

#12 Last minute trips

Few jobs will have your spouse suddenly take last minute trips away from home. When you start to see this happening and you’re not given a good reason for the change in the job description, you might be facing an affair.

Women often tell themselves that they need to keep some secrets from their men. Well, the inverse is true as well. There are certain things that your woman should never find out about you. After all, you always need to maintain some leverage in your relationship. Here are the few things your girl should never know about you.

Your conquest count

Look, you know how many chicks you’ve bagged and it’s probable that some of your friends do, too. But that’s where this circle of information should close. It’s not necessary to give your current lover a running tally of conquests.

Your income

As a relationship progresses, it is natural that a couple grows familiar with each other’s finances. But in the early stages of dating, there is a very sound and reasonable argument for playing your personal monetary value close to the vest.

Your weakness

Maybe you can cry during insurance commercials, or maybe you aren’t really as self-confident as you make yourself out to be in public. These frailties don’t matter as long as she never finds out about them. If she does, she’ll start making all sorts of ‘cute’ jokes at your expense. Be strong and keep your weaknesses undercover.

Your weird fantasies

Certain fantasies should be shared and enjoyed together. But you may be into freaky stuff that she just wouldn’t understand. Maybe your sexual fantasies involve things that your lady will not appreciate. Well, there’s a good chance that she won’t. Once she knows what dark thoughts are running through your mind, she may head for the door faster than you can say ‘gimp’.

Your ex-girlfriend memorabilia

You might have kept pictures of your exes. Maybe you’ve stashed away their love letters. You might have a whole database of their names and personal information in an excel spreadsheet. Whatever the case, never let your current squeeze find out about your memorabilia. Even if she’s willing to leave the past in the past, you can bet that she won’t balk at dropping their names as ammo in future fights.

Your embarrassing moments

We’ve all had them. Especially the severe, crippling embarrassment, on the scale of having an ex posting an indecent picture of yours online. If you’ve suffered this kind of monstrous humiliation, she should not get a whiff of it. The idea of it and the accompanying visual will surely blow your cool factor right out of the water, and leave your woman killing herself with laughter.

Your cheating past

Maybe you were just a conniving player back in your life. Or you might have had complicated issues with an ex that drove you into the arms of another woman. The reasons and can be many. But, no matter what the reasons, no matter how strong your determination is to mend your ways and get a clean start with someone new, your cheating past is something that you never want to reveal to your lady. She’ll automatically think that you’re looking to score behind her back every chance you get, and you’ll never get a fair play from her again. Men think that revealing that just complicates the situation.

A recent survey indicated that over 40 million singles have used or are currently using online dating services. It’s a huge business that has ushered in a whole new era of dating with its own unique set of rules.

Of course you know about online dating safety and how to protect yourself from unwanted attention. But do you know the unwritten rules, the tips and tricks that will make your online dating experience much better?

Keep Your Expectations Low

It has been estimated that 96% of the people who use online dating services fail to find a compatible person with whom to have a dating relationship. Part of the reason for this, though, is that most people approach online matchmaking with unrealistic expectations. When they don’t find a perfect match after one or two dates they give up and try something else.

Despite what the advertising wants you to believe, your perfect match isn’t going to just fall out of the sky one day. It takes diligent searching, careful screening, and lots of dates to increase your chances of success. Keep your expectations low key; don’t set yourself up for failure by getting too excited when you see an interesting profile or meet an interesting person.

Don’t Respond Too Quickly

Most online dating services won’t tell you this because they make money from email messages between members, but don’t be too quick to answer when a message comes in. Many online dating experts suggest waiting 24 to 48 hours to respond, and also say never to respond on a weekend or holiday. Their reasoning is that when you respond too quickly it makes you appear desperate and also doesn’t allow you to pause and carefully compose an appropriate response.

Yes, it’s exciting when someone notices your profile and makes contact, but don’t let the excitement run away with you. Relax, take a deep breath, and if necessary refer back to the previous section on maintaining realistic expectations.

Keep It Light

When you answer an email, keep the tone light and friendly. Online messages are NOT an appropriate avenue for providing your entire life history or unloading about your past hurts and current emotional state. Don’t be shallow and flip, of course, but do be conservative with what you write. And, as always, don’t reveal personally identifiable information via online messages.

Don’t Drag Things Along

Once you have exchanged a few messages, it’s time to either meet in person or move on. As a general rule of thumb, if more than three to five messages have been exchanged and you haven’t set up a date yet, then it’s time to say goodbye. Don’t allow yourself to be sucked into email communications that drag on for weeks or months at a time. Email is not a substitute for meeting and getting acquainted in person.

Tell The Truth

One of the great temptations of online personal ads is to embellish the truth about you. Whether it’s shaving a few years off your age, overstating your career achievements, or understating your body weight, remember that the truth will be revealed once you meet someone in person. It’s pointless to lie about such things and it undermines trust right from the start. As Mark Twain once said – “When in doubt, tell the truth.”

We acquire our values from different sources. In the beginning our values are given to us by our parents. Speak truth, help others, do this and do not do that and things like that. After sometime, we get more values in our education. We read about values of great people and try to live by some of them. Our religion gives us many values. How to live, what is right, what is wrong and what is allowed, what is not allowed are some values that we get from the religion? Today if you observe the difference between pro and anti abortion lobbies, you will find a values conflict. In your relationship, have you found out values of your partner? Have you spelled out your values?

Values are dear to us. For some of us, values are very dear. It is found that some people even give away their life to safe guard their values. Such value contradiction can play havoc with your relationship. Some of us sympathize with poor and try to help them, while others opine that poor need not be helped, as it is their karma that is giving them this pain. Let them suffer. This singular value difference can kill your relationship, if you both are not ready to compromise on them.

Please talk to your partner about your values in the beginning of the relationship. Spell out your values very clearly and be honest that you will not compromise on any of them. Let your partner do the same. Compare the values and discuss the differences. Decide at that point about the relationship. Both of you should be aware that the difference can kill the relationship in future. Take any step forward only after this value comparison.

How can we concentrate more on the blessings of our marriage? How can we discover the goodness in the person we married? By focusing on what brings contentment and happiness. For instance, just a simple switch in attitude can make a person have more compassion for the person they married. We have to stop believing in the lies we hear.

The world likes to feed gullible people things that aren’t true. Some people are susceptible to these untruths because they want to believe them. I wanted to believe them and I did believe them. We want answers to our marriage problems and we’ll practically listen to anyone who has something to say that we want to hear. Anything that will provide the validation we need for our own rotten actions. Over time, believing in the lies of the world builds an unhealthy attitude in us. I receive emails from women who actually believe that their husband committed adultery because of something they did or didn’t do. This is a lie generated from the world. It is incorrect.

Unhealthy attitudes keep us stuck and trapped in our sins. Our sins are whatever we live for and whatever is controlling us. Unhealthy attitudes steer us away from God’s love and into the follies and sinfulness of the world. But if we are following Jesus than we are truly free from the lies of the world. God’s children do not search for their answers from the world. That is what those who have no understanding do. They believe in the lies of the world and that is why they are often referred to as blind. Wisdom comes from God because God is wisdom.

About thirteen years ago I was blind in my marriage. My husband and I had some daily struggles and then we had some real treacherous issues that kept me from seeking out God for my personal issues. I didn’t think my drinking was a personal issue because I blamed my husband for my drinking, so it was his problem not mine. We separated several times just because things were not going the way “I” wanted. I told myself more lies. The biggest lie I was told from the world and one that I believed for many years was that I was not happy because of the man I married. Could a different man make me happy? I don’t think so! Happiness comes from within. I made myself unhappy by believing in the lies.

The root of my marriage problems was not alcohol, was not selfishness, and was not my negative emotions. It was that I did not know God. That is probably the root of your marriage problems too. When we don’t have any real foundation to base our marital problems on we are like chickens running around with our head cut off. We don’t really know what we are doing. We think we do, but we don’t. As long as we keep believing in the lies we will continue to run amok, basing our marriage upon our own understanding and we’ll remain unhappy and unsatisfied with the person we married.

I can honestly say with out a doubt in my mind, that it doesn’t have to be like this. Come all of you who are heavy laden with burdens. Strip them off your back and ask God to come into your life and start living for the Light of the World. Jesus Christ can change your attitude like He did mine. Change of Attitude = Change of Heart. This is the only way we can start focusing on the goodness of the person we married and start living for our marriage in the way that God intended.

So how can we determine what is and isn’t truth?

A voice came from the cloud, saying, “This is my Son, whom I have chosen; listen to him. (Luke 9:35 NIV)

This is the truth.

My fiance and I just broke up, and I need to know if this was the right thing to do or not. I love him more than anything else in the whole world. We were planning on being married in April. I just felt like he put himself above me in his priorities. He would make plans with me and then go play golf instead, or he would simply forget to call because something more important came up. I love him and miss him very much, but I feel like maybe it’s best for us to be apart until he can change this selfish aspect of his personality. Should I be patient and stick it out or move on? Nicole

“Greetings and blessings to you precious one. To say that this person has a tendency to be selfish and to have the idea that you can change his personality, or that he can, is perhaps not very realistic. What is more realistic in making a lifetime commitment to someone is to make a commitment to who that person is in their entirety, to accept the things about them that you cannot change, and even different than that, to accept everything about them as potentially something that can never be changed, that who you know and see before you now is the person you will spend everyday of your life with. It is important to marry who is standing in front of you today and to not marry them for who you think they will become or to not marry them for who you are afraid they might turn into. It is the one in front of you who is real and who you would be spending your days with.

“If you cannot live with the selfishness of this person now, it may only be magnified over days, weeks, months, or years in a marriage. Can you imagine yourself in this relationship with these tendencies multiplying over time? Or can you see yourself making peace with this and not having this person’s selfishness impact you? Are you strong enough to not be affected by this person’s selfishness? Or would you rather make a lifetime commitment to someone who does not have selfish tendencies? If this person is selfish with you, what will they be like with your family, your children, or over a lifetime?

“This is an opportunity for you to do some soul-searching. If you experience this person as selfish, in what ways does his selfishness make you uncomfortable because you are selfish? What kinds of things about yourself would you like to change? What types of things about you would you like to experience differently? In what ways would you like to be different in a relationship? It is important for you to focus on you and to focus less on this person, their flaws, and the changes that they should make. Take this time to focus on you. What shifts can you make so that you like you better? In doing so, you will come to like yourself in such a way that you will attract and keep someone who equally likes themselves and who is equally committed to knowing themselves and working toward being the best person they can be.

“Have faith that this process is one that is serving you in every way. Blessings to you precious one. Amen.”

I remember the 1st time I saw the movie Gremlins as a little kid I thought it was the scariest movie ever. In fact it scared me so much that I didn’t watch it again until a few weeks ago. All through out grade school and high school whenever anyone would mention Gremlins I would recall that moment in time as a little kid and become really scared. Now I wouldn’t actually tell anyone I was scared but in my mind I sure was feeling all those emotions of being scared.

Yet, somewhere along the way I completely forgot everything about the movie except the feelings that it created; it was my symbol for scared.

Then a few weeks back I was watching TV and a movie was on that had all these silly little green creatures running around. The movie was quite funny until during a commercial break it was revealed that the movie I was watching was in fact Gremlins.

After going to Blockbuster and renting Gremlins to in fact reconfirm that the movie I had just been watching was Gremlins. I found that my belief about Gremlins not only was completely wrong but rather silly and foolish.

My belief had been destroyed not because I was older and now knew that it was a movie but because I actually had watched the movie again as an adult and seen how really silly and not scary it was.

When it comes to attracting women sometimes beliefs that we have formed at a very early age, shape the way we perceive our thoughts and actions when it comes to how we attract women.

Now I am in no way saying that one day you might wake up with a beautiful woman sleeping next to you and realize that there was nothing scary about her. However there are plenty of chances for you to walk up to a beautiful woman and know for yourself that there isn’t anything scary about a beautiful woman and that your previous beliefs about attracting women were just plain silly.

If you are new to the online dating world then you are probably finding out that many sites offer a free introductory period where you can view the site, its features, and maybe even contact a member or two you are interested in. However, after the initial free period you will lose any of your privileges and must sign up for a small monthly fee to become a member. Your profile will often stay on the site and you might receive emails from members interested in you, but if you don’t become a member you won’t be able to respond. So, obviously, becoming a member of your favorite dating website has some great benefits.

First, you need to do a little research and find out what dating websites you like best. You might want to sign up for several sites’ free memberships and then decide which site is best and then pay for your monthly membership. You will really benefit from this because you will have all of the features you love at your fingertips. If there is a potential man or woman you want to contact then all you have to do is simply send an email, wink, or other form of contact to get their attention. You will really love being in control and contacting the individuals you are most interested in rather than simply waiting for others to contact you.

Also, when you have a full membership you can read other members full profiles. Sometimes sites will allow you to do this anyway, but many won’t. If you are trying to find a date then you will want to review the person’s full profile and learn all about them before contacting them. As a result, paying the monthly fee will be worthwhile because you will be able to do this.

Another benefit is that you make a small investment in finding the man or woman of your dreams right from your home computer. You might not like the idea of paying $19.95 per month for a full membership, but this is probably less than you would spend on gas in a month’s time bar hopping trying to find a guy or girl, not to mention drinks and the like. So, it is really affordable to have a full membership.

There are obviously other benefits to joining a dating website and upgrading to a full membership. The only drawbacks are to not doing it and never meeting that guy or girl you have been dreaming about. So, if you are considering online dating make sure you do a little research, find your favorite site, then upgrade to the full membership so you have the freedom and control over finding your soul mate.

What makes an alpha male truly alpha. More essential characteristis of the alpha men.

1. Aims for the sky

The Alpha Man knows that to stay ahead of his pack he can not relax and let life pass him by. He develops himself in every possible way, reads books, enriches himself everyday. Works hard at his pre-set goals with grit and determination. Relax? Plenty of it when you die. Right now, work, work and work.

2. Life is not to be taken too seriously

Life, for the Alpha Man is too short to be taken seriously. He is naturally gifted with one of the biggest talents - the ability to laugh at himself, and he does that often. He is gifted with excellent sense of humor which naturally draws people to him.

3. A calculated risk-taker

The Alpha does not bet blindly. Marking every step, every risk that he takes in life, he never risks more than he can afford to lose. Strikes a perfect balance of the risk and benefit and makes an internal checklist of the expected return of any venture.

4. Believes failures are pillars of success

The Alpha Man is fully aware that if you don’t lose, you haven’t tried. Learn to lose faster, so that you taste success faster too.

5. Women? Comes next to everything

Never his primary objective, women to the Alpha Man comes second in his priority of things. Women and sex are necessary evils in the evolution of the human race. They are to be treated as perks in an otherwise eventful life, steered through cautiously.

6. Values rationality

He normally works with the right side of his brain. Logical and rational, knows how to keep his upsurge of passion under control. Thoroughly knows his strengths and weaknesses and puts them to rightful use to live a better life glowing in success. He also knows his vulnerabilities and the probable pitfall areas well and practices self-discipline to dodge them and keep his mind and body needs under check.

7. Extremely knowledgeable about ego

Only insecure men flutter and flap their wings to protect their false images. Self-confident individuals do not have to do any such mundane activity, as ego is nothing but a self-created monolith, which dominates the mind. Alpha Men are aware of the danger of being led by the mirage of self-pride, which can only destroy a man. They concentrate on learning more and developing themselves further.

8. Sees the big picture

The Alpha Man has the vision to see beyond the ordinary. Has his eyes fixed on long term benefits rather than feel happy with short term gains. Never gets distracted by instant-gratification modules of money and women. He weighs the benefits of postponing short term happiness for something bigger that might be coming his way. This part will be covered later in greater detail.

9. Time & Tide wait for none

The Alpha Man values time as his biggest asset. More than money. Because you don’t want to run after money till you reach your deathbed and lament that now there is no time to spend all that wealth. Never do anything to “kill” time. You are then “killing” yourself.